just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
