he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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