We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
