Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
did i walk over a car last night?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
