guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
