Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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