and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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