we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I came so hard my ears popped.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
