Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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