Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
