Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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