how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
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Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
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A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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