I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
