I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
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it was like his penis was on wheels.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
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As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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