if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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