You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
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He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
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You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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