my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
