I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
