I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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