so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
