I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
