I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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