i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize