Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
