I cannot find my penis.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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