when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
