I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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