I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
