why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
