Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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