I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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