I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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