Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
