totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
