Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
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Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
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I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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