So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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