Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
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