Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
