Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
