guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
