I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
