So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
