Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
