i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
