I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
