rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
