Don't make out with my wife yet
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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