Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
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I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
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Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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