I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
