You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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