well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
