Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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