I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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