I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
