the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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