i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my phone needs a breathalizer
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All the doctor said was why
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
