i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
