just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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