Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
