You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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