she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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