I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
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I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
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we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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