i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
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There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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